meggie fainting spell #3.  #2 was in Hawaii in summer 07, after being jet-lagged, taking too much allergy medicine, waking up and looking under the sink for something (shampoo?), and fainting.

today, aug. 21, at 7pm, i had had lentil soup and a pb&j, felt hungry/odd, ate canteloupe.  sat down to write some things in my calendar, felt weird.  i felt queasy first, and my vision and hearing were a little off.  i got very nervous immediately, and my heart started racing.  i went to get food b/c that usually helps, but i knew i didn't have time.  i needed to sit down.  i sat on the couch.  symptoms included very numb tongue, numb, tingly hands, feet a little tingly but less so.  vision and hearing weird, off.  hard to breathe, so i made a concerted effort to keep breathing in and out, carefully.  this seems to keep me from fainting, barely.  shawn was out to see liz at a show so i called him and left a message to please come home.  called mom and she answered, thank god, and talked to me thru the whole thing until shawny got home.  nausea had passed since the initial onset of symptoms, but from previous experience i knew to go to the bathroom.  crawled to the bathroom.  standing up was very bad.  i stood up to look in a mirror, to see my face and eye pupils (face and lips normal, pupils very big).  went potty, a fair amount.  crawled back to couch.  didn't feel instantly better, but things seemed to slowly get better at this point.  the worst was after standing up.  from the time i called shawn to the time i called mom to say i was better, it had been about an hour and 10 minutes.  long time!

i've been sick the last couple of days, but not very.  sore throat, so i took 3 theraflu yesterday.  and then today just achy and headache, so i had taken 2 advil cold and sinus, hours apart.  i also took my pill, but with soup.  

i have been worrying a lot about things tho, so i guess this was anxiety-related.  worried about: money (i have none at all), getting a job (been emailing lots of people for pt work), upcoming flights (tulsa, peru), mom and dad (mostly dad lately), and finally, death.

maybe i need to smoke pot so i can relax.

i'm glad i am better, and mom answered and was so perfect and talked to me and was reassuring and wonderful.

today i found out that i will be in a music video with my hip nyc rock band, and, even better, i am getting to go to peru to play with a great new music group.  totally amazing and awesome and exciting.

being at tanglewood this summer has been wonderful.  i've had so much fun, i've made SO many good nyc contacts, i've played a ton, practice and performed, i got to spend more time with ann, who is amazing.  but i'm out of money.  totally out.  i had some savings, its gone.  was it right to come here, and not go make 4 grand working at Marlboro?  I would have made some contacts, but they wouldn't have known me as a harpist.  i don't know.  i think it was right to come here.  but i literally will not be able to buy groceries, or a subway card, or anything when i get back.  i can't get a day job because i'm leaving for a month.  my life is possible only because i live in this unreality where my rent is taken care of.  amazing, wonderful, but still.  i am a bum. 26 and penniless.

would i change it if i could do it all over again?  could i really even do anything else anyway?  will i ever feel stable?