i want things with shawn to be simple. they're not. i guess i was surprised to go out and see all these guys, as usual, but suddenly not quite know how to handle them. mostly not interested, but what do i do about the interesting ones? the hot bassist for boombox? its funny, cuz the bass fetish, if not starting with shawn, definitely reached it's peak with him, but now its kinda out of control. eek. i wouldn't look at another boy again if i knew he was mine, but as it is i know no such thing. before, i had a plan. i was miserable, but at least i knew where i stood, that i had to get over him, and i was gonna, dammit. now we just jumped right back into being friends, kinda like before but different, and i don't know if i should be checking my feelings or not. i don't want to. it seems silly to try. but then i go out and meet these guys and it seems less silly. and i can't say, i want only you, please tell me to wait for you and i will. i have to give him time to get over her. but MAN that's the other thing and maybe not the right time for this but god how i hate that he was with her, the idea of him with any other girl makes me crazy. i hope he has a good time this summer but i hate to think of him with another girl, so shouldn't i show him the same respect i wish i could ask for from him?

we're not even dating and already its so complicated. already i'm so afraid he's going to break my heart. it makes me sad. makes me think i'm not cut out for this kind of thing.

  posted by meg @ 11:08 PM

 
night out with laur was exactly what i expected. made a wonderful home-cooked meal with lots o love (read butter), then prepped for partyin with wine and weed, and then we hit downtown. short jaunt at the elephant room for really nice 5-piece jazz set. then to 6th street, wandering in and out of whatever clubs looked hot.

there were all kinds of nice extras. our waitress at elephant room invited us to her party at mojos on saturday. some guys gave us a free ride in a stretch hummer. all good fun. not something i could do a lot tho. too much drinking, too many older sketchy types who don't have a clue about what to do with their lives. i dunno. it's fun with laur 'cause we make it fun, hop around, enjoy the good parts and laugh at the bad. i just like to get lost in it all, dance and laugh and flirt and go home. it seems like a lotta people are tryin to fill some void, to feel alive, but going about it in the worst, most superficial way. trying to connect in a loud, dark club where everybody's drunk. it's kinda crazy sad.

  posted by meg @ 9:56 PM

 
i like to be alone. during the day i can be happy and excited and with people, but at night especially i like to get away. i like to sit outside alone and feel the breeze in my hair, on my skin. i like to listen to the quiet. i need quiet. in case there are any particular thoughts in my head that haven't had a chance to surface in the busy bustle of the day. i like to let my mind wander, see where it goes.

today at the office marty walked by me and i grinned and he questioned and i said this is one of my favorite things, sitting eating a sandwich and reading the paper. i do it everyday at school. and he understood and said i'll let you be, i have rituals like that. and that's what it is, my simple quiet rituals of the day. but maybe i'm not allowed to have things just so. here, i feel like, no matter what i do, there's constant interuption. no space. no quiet. takes some getting used to.

  posted by meg @ 11:39 PM

 
the sky is completely gray. i love it.

the universe understands.

  posted by meg @ 7:01 PM

 
i saw him. just for a sec, by accident. i couldn't stop smiling. now i can't stop crying.

how could i have been so sure that it was right, and be so wrong? why am i not enough for him?

  posted by meg @ 3:49 PM