i hate supposed to's. how do we end up trying to force things to be what they're "supposed" to be? shay's wedding is supposed to be joyful and fun, and instead it's a huge conflict, causing petty arguments, building resentments, hurting feelings. that's not how it's "supposed" to be. so what's the right answer, how do we fix it, so everybody's happy? how can so many different people with so many different ideas of "supposed to" fit together?

i wish everybody but shay and ali would just back the fuck off until after may 15. we should being doing everything we can to help them, instead of worrying about our own selfish wants or issues. that's how i think it's supposed to be. but what do i know?

  posted by meg @ 12:49 AM

 
i keep hearing the opera in my head. there are parts that bring tears to my eyes, just hearing them like that. so freakin beautiful.

anyhoo. history studying continues...

  posted by meg @ 5:23 PM

 
i feel everything. all at once, right now, in this moment. it's amazing. so happy, overwhelmingly grateful and dazed and just smiling and happy.

hmm. but still thinking about him. always.

and i don't know what to do with all this happiness if i can't share it with him. i'm lost, just waiting to see him, but i know i shouln't, i know it won't be what i want it to be. it never is with him.

but then i don't care. i don't care that he doesn't love me back. fine. i still love him, with everything i have, i love him. my life is wonderful and full without him, but he's always there, in the back of my mind. i'm not quite complete without him. nothing is quite real until i've shared it with him.

i miss him so much, i hardly know what to think anymore, what to feel.

  posted by meg @ 2:07 AM

 
life without shawn continues. it's less confusing, less frustrating. and a little less sweet.

  posted by meg @ 1:00 AM

 
how can we ever be friends again, when you hurt me like this? its too much. i thought you cared more than that. i was sure you did.

  posted by meg @ 1:10 AM

 
i'm so weak. i just called him. left a message, saying call me whenever. basically undoing any good i've done these last few days, giving up any control. i couldn't help it. i just miss him.

i hate this. i hate trying to talk to him, and i hate not talking to him. and i feel like a fool for missing someone i never had a right to want in the first place. god forbid i ever give up my heart again. it's not worth it.

  posted by meg @ 12:39 AM

 
all i want to do is call him. i don't know what happened. i thought for sure i'd see him, talk to him, a little at least. i guess he's too wrapped up in his own shit right now, which is understandable. and i've been feeling so ok about this, and really too busy even to think about it, but now here it is, i'm leaving again, and he didn't call. he doesn't care. he doesn't miss me at all. not that he should be thinking about me right now, of course he isn't. i just, i guess i'm still thinking about him. a lot.

  posted by meg @ 12:34 AM

 
here's what i need to tell him, ready?

i probably don't need to say i really care about you. but i will. cause i do. i really care about you. also i'm not going to apologize for my feelings. i'm just sorry that they get in the way of our friendship, which i cherish so much. i can't help it tho. i've try to forget about my feelings and just be with you, but then this happens, where i feel like i can't help but keep falling for you, more and more, and it has to stop. and i can't try to get over you when you're always there. i need space. its kinda funny (not funny haha), cause the last thing i want is space from you. but i can't do this anymore. its too hard. it drives me crazy, i get so confused, i don't know what to think or feel, and it leaves me either sad or angry or both, and i don't want to feel that because of you. i don't want to resent you. i know you don't want to hurt me. i know it sucks for both of us to not be able to spend time together. but hopefully long-term this is better. i can get over this, and then we can just be friends again, eventually. for now though, think of leaving me alone as the best thing you can do for me. understand, i want you to call, but i can't be waiting for your call. so you just can't call. and i'm sorry and i hate it, but that's the only way i think. as far as the rest, seeing each other and all, i guess we'll just see.

ok bye.

  posted by meg @ 1:12 AM

 
i'm cute, i swear. so many boys lookin my way. he doesn't seem to notice tho.

grrrr...

  posted by meg @ 11:31 PM