i know i don't want to play games with shawn. i like him too damn much. i don't want to provoke him, or make him jealous. that's silly. and i love our friendship, just as it is.

it's weird tho, seeing him with venessa. like i have to look away kind of weird. like how can we spend so much time together and be so close, and yet he choose to be intimate with this other person. i can't fathom their relationship. don't want to.

i guess it makes me realize there's this whole part of his life that i'm not part of, where i don't matter. and that makes me feel like maybe i don't know him so well afterall.

  posted by meg @ 11:45 PM

 
dean asked how the boy situation is. said i was tryin to keep it simple.

yeah right.

the old one still hurts. the current one still plays games. and the new one isn't callin.

maybe it's me.

  posted by meg @ 12:37 AM

 
the worst week ever just ended with the best night ever.

hurray for best friends and civil disobedience.

  posted by meg @ 3:33 AM

 
layin in bed awake. can't sleep. damn coffee addiction.

had a dream a coupla nights ago that jenny called me, was alive. said it had all been a mistake. in my head i saw her mom smiling and shaking her head. silly mistake.

it was mid-morning before i realized that she really was still gone.

i want more dreams like that. the ones better than reality.

  posted by meg @ 1:18 AM

 
i'm bored.

i can't believe its 2004. seems like forever i've been sayin, yeah, i graduate sping of 2005, which seems so far away, but its next YEAR. crazy.

all these people at the party today, asking about school and harp, and i give 'em my shpeel, oh i'm very happy at rice, just gave this recital, going to paris after i graduate, blah blah blah. i kinda have all these automatic replies to the same old questions, and it all sounds nice and planned, but not too planned. and they nod and smile and wish me good luck, yay for me doing what i love and working hard. but its bullshit, i wanna look at them and be like, ya know, i don't *really* know what i'm doing. like i have this plan, and its great, but actually its really all quite overwhelming most of the time, and i prefer to not look past whatever particular task is at hand, cuz it freaks me out. not my path really, i'm fine with that. more the lack of understanding about the world, and myself, and the people i interact with. when does this stuff clear up? ever? who will i be, and what will i do for the world, how do i know i won't get lost or distracted and miss something important, wake up one day and not be happy with what i am? THAT shit bothers me. path shmath. i want to be happy, and i want to help make other people happy, and to simply go into it all with the idea of doing my best seems too easy, like you're bound to fuck up and get hurt or something.

anyhoo. sister spa day tomorrow. getting my pores exfoliated with glycolic acid. should be fun.

  posted by meg @ 12:11 AM