here's what i'm feeling all at once, ready?

-sad. for him, that he's hurting, that this happened.
-surprised. never thought this would happen. had spent months convincing myself that this would never happen. ever.
-bad. regretful too. for having ever wanted this to happen, for wanting it more than anything. now i realize nothing could have ever been worth him being this sad.
-hopeful. can't help it just because the obstacle is gone, right? but that's so wrong, especially now, when he just needs a friend. so i feel bad again.
-scared. scared to be hopeful. he hurt me so much, and i was just getting over, just feeling safe, and now this. not that it's happening to me, he's the one whose suffering, i know. it's just that it would be so easy to fall for him all over again, but then it would be so easy for him to hurt me again.

in a word, overwhelmed.

  posted by meg @ 12:25 AM

 
i'm just such a romantic. i get these ideas in my head of what's gonna happen, and then stupid me choose to ignore the reality of things. and it's not all me, at least i don't think, like sure i know the situation but i really feel like they're interested, like they respond to me, and even when i try to be strong and back away they pull me back in. and then the fact that they have these girlfriends just makes me feel like a bad person, for trying to steal them. but i wouldn't, i don't with evan anymore, because i know he doesn't want anything but her. and with shawn, i guess it's the same, he's happy with her, so i have to let it be. but then why do i still have to feel this, and it seems like he feels it too, a least a little. not enough though, huh? i'm not enough.

i can't believe this is happening again. i have to stay away from these boys. all they do is hurt me.

  posted by meg @ 5:16 AM

 
it's so nice to have joyce to come home to. lil cig, gossip, ling hw. all good.

not so nice to have 30 raucous freshmen on the floor above. and boy howdy does this cement carry sound.

good ol' campus life.

  posted by meg @ 2:12 AM