it was a great night. wine at joyce's, dinner at aries, baseball game, drinks with the girls, lovett underground, baker pub. so i say goodbye to aisha who i love and jenn who is so sweet, and cry the whole way home.

i got some issues, that's for sure. one is that i feel like i'm always pretending. i pretend that i'm happy. or pretend that next year things will be better. smile at teachers and laugh at stupid boys' jokes after a night of crying. pretend that i'm a good person, that i'm not utterly horrified by this war and my inability to help. pretend that i'm not overwhelmed by the inconsistencies of the world, my own priviledge coexisting with the suffering that i know exists yet do nothing about. tonight, pretend to jb that he didn't hurt me, pretend to evan that i don't have feelings for him. pretend to myself that i know what my feelings are, that they're consistent, reliable. pretend to have a good time, to the point that i fool even myself. until i'm alone that is, and then i'm empty again, despite mine and everyone's best efforts.

and yeah, now most thursdays i go the the museum instead of pub, but it's still just a distraction from all the things i don't want to think about. the things i can't fix.

  posted by meg @ 1:51 AM

 
"and i said love comes to you. hoping just because i spoke the words that they're true..."

or something.

crazy crazy, this emotional rollercoaster i call my life. and now we're at war. well anyway.... such a nice talk with evan tonight. told him why i like him even though he's a republican.

then to wiess and bw3's, where the freshmen boys were quite entertaining and charming in their pseudo-macho way. couple of 'em programmed their phone numbers in my cell, and mine in theirs. cute.

joyce is down i think, and i've not been there for her so much. skipped out of drinking with her two nights in a row. and it's not that i'm depressed, i just can't enjoy the party scene lately. i'd rather go the the mfa and practice and read e.e. cummings. so that's what i do.

~peace~



  posted by meg @ 1:20 AM