my last day of freedom. classes start tomorrow. i feel ok. happy even. the break was so good. i was sitting on the floor in the living room and daddy looked at me and said, ya know, you look so much better than when you first got home. you're eyes are bright, you look healthier, happier, etc. and i was like, i KNOW. i LOVE it here. i don't want to go back.

that said tho, i'm now looking forward to new classes, teachers, people. i'm taking a history class finally, on american thought. prolly not too difficult, hehe. also poli sci. and orchestra, yay!!

seeing joyce in austin was nice. we're both on the same page as far as wanting to just go have crazy fun like we used to. and it'll be a tough semester, but work hard play hard (first typed work hard play harp. hmm.)

  posted by meg @ 5:16 PM

 
right now i would like for mom to be here. she would hug me and say all the right things and smooth my hair back away from my face. and then maybe i could breathe and stop shaking and pretend for a little while that things were ok.

it's been a long day. i went to the gym this morning, where jenny's brother works, and dreaded seeing him, or rather him seeing me alive and well. later hit the hospital with daddy. is that ok, he asks, and what am i gonna say? no, please don't make me go there. all too familiar. and then i'm standing there holding a baby in my arms and smiling standing next to a crying man with a failing heart only five years older than my father, remembering helping mom walk with her iv, and realizing that she would never be her old self, and that i didn't even remember what that was.

skip to daddy talking about how he left maman's deathbed to be at my graduation. and granny's tumor is now visibly pertruding from her chest, and 6 to 9 months becomes 4 to 6 weeks.

when i look into daddy's eyes they seem scared and sad. i hear it in mom's voice. that scares me more than just about anything else.

  posted by meg @ 9:49 PM

 
it's 5 am in paris.

it was great, the trip. there was so much that i missed last time. we took buses and taxis instead of just the metro, so i saw so much more of the city. the pompidou was amazing. the eiffel tower was swarming with tourists, but only because it's so damn cool.

i just want to live there. we spent a day in provinc, a medieval town to the east of paris, exploring a church that joan of arc had visited, and a castle. it's something you don't get here in the states. growing up in france, you have this automatic obvious connection to your history and humanity. it feels secure, safe. more than making your life seem small and fleeting it's a comfort.

that said, i'm so happy to be home. constantly struggling to remember french was exhausting. i have enough trouble expressing myself in english. also we were insanely active the whole trip, and i really just want some down time before school starts. which i'm dreading. luckily, little alchoholic that i am, i've fortified myself with many bottles of wine, which helps everything. or at least it seems to work in france.

  posted by meg @ 10:31 PM