i love elizabeth. i have this beautiful repeated image in my head, of me walking up the steps at spider and seeing her after however many months its been, sitting with her coffee and cigarettes. we talked for three hours last night, i told her about almost everything. she has the most amazing ability to understand my steady stream of non-sequitors, and offer good advice. oh so comforting. and sweet. and funny. i love her. she says i need to go back to my therapist.

it's amazing how connected things are, and by things i mean my neurosis (plural?). we talked about my fear of my parents dying, always in the back of my mind. the br trip was bad in so many ways. but more than anything else is that a mother is dying. my parent's mother. and one day it will be me hearing the doctor say six to nine months, living in that reality. that's supposed to be ok.

i'm so scared of losing everyone that i care about. and not being able to accept loss of any kind. it's as jude said, i haven't made my peace with the world. jude is leaving though, going to israel for god's sake. i keep running our goodbye over and over in my head, wishing i'd grabbed her one last time, taken her home with me. but even then it wouldn't have been enough. i'd have to let go sometime. kinda makes you not want to care about anyone.

on the upside, the more fucked up i feel, the more i feel like i can relate to other people's problems. had a lovely afternoon with gab, lunch and shopping. she is very confused but far from lost i think. it's very helpful to be self-reflective and aware and open, and she is all of these things. little bag. she said i was wise. i am so many things, i hardly know what to think.

  posted by meg @ 12:10 AM

 
my mind is very jumbled right now.

nice evening with ez. got home after undergoing a three-hour, intensely painful procedure to return my hair to it's natural color, after a 4-year sojourn. it disturbs me that being "natural" took that much work. anyhoo. mom and dad gone, ezzie and i made pbnj's, watched dawson's creek, which was not nearly as exciting as i remembered, and during which he kept making me do thumb wars with him. turns out that despite 14 years of strengthening my thumbs with harp practice, they're still no match for ezra's brute strength, even when aided by my frequent snake attacks. oh well. then i helped with him explicate poetry, except i read the title as 'valedictorian' instead of 'valediction,' which confused things a bit.

so that's good, love chillin with zra. also having warm fuzzy feelings about daddy, who rubbed my shoulders and smoothed my hair and kissed the top of my head before he and mom left. which is all very sweet and makes me happy but also makes me all sentimental and sad that i'm not here all the time. feelin that a lot. over and over in my head, and out loud for that matter, i don't want to leave, i don't want to go back. and it's not that there aren't things about houston that i love, there are. they just seem so much less important. i mean they are more important i guess, in a way, or else i wouldn't go back. but they don't make me happy, not the kind of happy i get here. the safe, secure, complete happy feeling of being with the people that mean the most to me.

segue into more pressing family issues. i'm very worried about mom. i haven't let myself think about it, and it's really easy to do that when i don't have to be there and see what's happenening. tomorrow it becomes real. i know it will be awful.

also. sometimes i feel like the whole earth is just going to fall. i think about it hanging there in space, and just dropping. i fear that for myself. oh so many dreams to that effect, that leave me with my heart in my throat. i'll think that i'm safe on the ground and then not be, either loose my balance or just realize the ground wasn't safe after all, wasn't stable. and i'll fall and fall, fast, into this massive dark void with nothing to grab onto, just sick and scared and miserable.

i'm sure that's perfectly normal.

  posted by meg @ 12:10 AM

 
major issues with these reli papers, which i want to be absolutely BRILLIANT for prof. kaplan who i LOVE and would marry if only he believed in such foolhardy social conventions.

meanwhile, major props to ezzie pezzie, who, just hours ago, received word of his acceptance to Carleton, with a whopping scholarship of 17g's (is that how you write that? fuck i dunno). anyhoo, he's obviously the smartest in the family. and there was much rejoicing, etc.

also, props to myself for joining the buda gym. only $21.99 and i damn near killed myself on the elliptical, except, oops, i ate practically AN ENTIRE CAKE today and i really don't think those two things'll balance out. somebody tape my mouth shut, please.

yeah so i've had some caffeine, does it show? oy, i just really don't want to be working, even though i love this play, school's out dammit! ok and maybe i'm just a little distracted thinkin about my double date with paul tomorrow. :) on that happy note, back to work.

  posted by meg @ 10:10 PM

 
posted an online quiz but it was stupid. now it's gone.

still, loving this new-found freedom to waste time. so nice. today i just hung out with shay, went for a walk, made excellent grilled cheese sandwiches for everybody, planned for paris with mom and dad. it's so simple, easy. i love being home. tomorrow i'm gonna wake up around 9, go running, have lunch with mom, dad, and shay, do a little xmas shopping, coffee and reading at spider prolly, then an art show and kyle's band that night.

and ok, i know i have to be in school. it's a priviledge to be there. in a lot of ways it's perfect for me. but at the same time, a lot of the time i feel like my priorities get all messed up there. too many days these past weeks i woke up dreading what i had to do that day, and went to bed exhausted and unhappy. and the things i did want to do, the people i wanted to see, there was never time for. why is that? is it my fault? shouldn't i be able to take control of my life, do what i need to to be happy? i always say it's people's own fault is they're unhappy, that it's always your choice what to make of your life. i think that's true. so this is the dilemma: i've made the choice to be at school, i love the harp more than ever. but now i'm home, and i never want to leave.

  posted by meg @ 4:53 PM

 
"you have to make your peace with the world. otherwise you'll commit suicide or just be unhappy. you don't have to understand it, but you can't keep fighting it." -jude, my fountain of wisdom

  posted by meg @ 12:29 AM

 
today was alright. woke up so pissed at the existence of aural skills, and morning tutorials, but it was the last one (yay!), and i'm making progress, so whatever, i cope. got on 95 on my reli paper. so nice. he said i was eloquent. really any shakepeare, tho, i get so damn excited. antisemite my ass.

music history paper, A-, same as jude. it's odd. we always sit together, but some days we're fairly distant, and then other times so affectionate and playful, very suggestive. today was a nice day, i was happy and laughing over into her. thinking how much i'll miss her. have to get her some little tzatska (sp?) before she leaves.

god, then all these rehearsals. prokofiev, (concert fri.) which is retarded, debussy (concert thurs.), totally kick ass, then off to bellaire for a 3 HOUR britten rehearsal (performance sun). DAMN i'm playing a lot. plus i took a 3 hour gig sat, for which i'm learning piles of xmas music, like the bad little jewish girl i am.

speaking of which, my house now? in. sane. huge xmas tree, blanket covering futon w/xmas-y embroidery, and not one not two not three but FOUR nativity scenes. sandy is funny. gotta love her tho. tree smells nice.

oy. theory final tomorrow. history friday. must go study.

  posted by meg @ 10:56 PM