what a fucked up day. i cried in the harp studio, in the library, in my fucking car on the way home. i feel broken. confused. overwhelmed. sad. numb sort of, but not. i just want to curl up in bed and sleep until i can go home, and go home, and never leave.

some thoughts of the day. well ok, had a nice coffee break with nuiko, where she not only understood my incoherent blather but articulated my thoughts for me, and gave good advice. love love love her. the coffee left me all jittery and shakey tho. that's when i went to the music library, decided to write my term paper on bach's representation of death in his music. i swear i do this to myself on purpose.

probably what started it was seeing this old man walking out of shepherd with a cane, taking one step, stopping, another, stopping, etc. then bending his head down to catch his breath. i don't like that. no good.

then thinking about this being the first thanksgiving, then xmas, since the accident, and remembering last year, and thinking will next year be better, and how long has it been now, and is it better, or is it worse, and what should it be? i don't know. i don't know anything. i know that i care about a lot of people here, or some at least, but i need this space, a lot of space, so i can just be sad.

i was thinking that happiness is a good goal, but lofty. it's a lofty fucking goal. for now i'd settle for not hurting anyone, myself included. and maybe having self-control. struggling with that one. now, for instance. i hate this shit that i'm writing. whatever tho, i just want it out of me. there.

  posted by meg @ 6:54 PM

 
i was reading all this shit i've written in the last few months, and realizing that i'm not making progress with this whole thing at all. so i went to shepherd, all depressed, 'bout a half hour into jude comes over. my thumb's bleeding anyway, so me, ann, and jude go to coffee house. *this is where my bipolar-ness works to my advantage, for once* coffeehouse closed (mother fuckers), but there was this nice jazz trio playing in the rmc, so we sat and listened to them. then we decided to get coffee oc and ended up at house of pies. saw matt, the interlochen alum organist, super nice, talked to him about martial arts and shit. LOVE house of pies. breakfast is the best part of the day.

so then i actually got a piece of pie for jb, just to be sweet, but he wasn't at the archi building so we went to lovett underground, where i'd never been before. it totally kicked ass, i LOVe listening to jazz, and the whole atmosphere down there is nice, mellow, reminds of home. then jude and i were still wired, so we went and lay on 45 together looking up to the stars, talking about some depressing shit actually, but good.

it was just a great night. i love those girls, and i love having non-drunken fun. we were all crazy in the car listening to "Let's Get it On," and traipsing all over campus, arm in arm. good shit. now i'm gonna fool around with some ben folds on the piano and go to bed. tomorrow's supposed to be Date Night with jb, if he ever calls. if not, gumbo at nuiko's. 2 weeks til thanksgiving!

  posted by meg @ 3:26 AM

 
so jb stood me up last night. walked all around the archi building, then the rmc and pub, then the archi building again, so i could bring him his goddamn sweater. and i know this is not a big deal, but it's just so not what i need right now, these doubts. i like him, sure, but i honestly don't know what he thinks of me. and i feel stupid for doing this right now, like i should get out of this before i get too attached. sure last night wasn't a big deal but what about when it happens again and is important, when i need him and he's not there? always this urge to run away. and in the end i'm alone.

  posted by meg @ 12:42 PM

 
"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling into at night. I miss you like hell."
- Edna St. Vincent Millay

I was walking from reli this morning and realized that i missed jenny's birthday. she would have been 20.

and i go on with my perfect little life.

  posted by meg @ 8:11 PM

 
it was a nice day at least. started out chilly but warmed up, sunshine, blue skies. i was in this sort of reflective mood, like i was watching myself from afar. don't ask me, i'm crazy.

so yeah, i was finally feeling better but then i had to prance around wiess telling people to vote and now my throat's all sore again. stupid megan. it was good tho, got me to go to wiess. walked joyce to class after lunch and told her about the ed thing, and then she skipped class so we could catch up, which mostly consisted of me telling her about jb.

which brings me to my next point. ok no but first, there were some nice moments today. i went to this montessori school and applied as an assistant. i loved it. the idea of helping teach all those lil kids just makes me giddy happy. i think it would be so good for me to get outside of myself a bit, and also make a little money.

after the interview it was so gorgeous, i wanted to just go walk in the park, or sit and read, or go to a museum, or just something nice like that. and i totally can't. i even felt guilty about spending time with joyce, like i wasted that time. and i love being at shepherd and practicing all day, but it never ends, and there are a million other things i want to do that i put off indefinitely b/c i'm too busy.

in short, i feel overwhelmed. again. oh and in so many ways. the orch concert went so well, i felt like i could breathe finally. larry told me i did a great job, and hugged me not once but twice. but then i actually cried in my lesson yesterday, first time ever, and really for no other reason than that i feel so drained. and then today i find out that i'm in both chamber and symphony orchestra, rehearsals tomorrow, hadn't even seen the music yet. so shit, i love orchestra, i want to do this, but at the same time, i just want to sleep.

so here's the kicker: i'm ridiculously distracted by this boy. and i have no idea what's going on, which is admittedly fairly common for me, but i feel so vulnerable. like here i am at home and he hasn't called, which is fine, he isn't obligated. but i do like him an awful lot. and even if nothing comes of all this, i want to be able to talk to him still.

really i just wanted him to be someone that i could be sweet to. i had all these crazy images of us curled up on the couch watching movies, all cozy and shit. banish the thought.

  posted by meg @ 12:06 AM

 
just spent the evening with jude. she's a beautiful girl. i get so frustrated with her, and it seems like we're in different worlds, but then sometimes i just love her to bits. we're so comfortable together, and crazy, and happy. and we can talk. even if it's just nonsense it seems real, she doesn't let me be fake. there's this part of me that's there, for better or worse, that she doesn't buy into. so it just melts away, becomes sort of a joke. with her i have to be intelligent, thoughtful, articulate, creative, spontaneous... she brings it all out in me. and i adore her for it.

  posted by meg @ 12:23 AM