so mom says i'm not schizto, it's ok to go from really happy to really sad in the course of an hour.

i'm feeling this thing again that was going on the whole goddamn summer, of like, this is my face that i show to the world, and then this is how i really am, that i can't be, that isn't right, that nobody wants to see anyway. it's all wrong. everything's all wrong again. and it's not like it was ever right, i just got wrapped up in my own bullshit. i hate it. i want distractions but at the same time i realize it's all nonsense. what is important to me now? i don't even know. the harp. i try to focus on that. but that's always a source of angst, i'm either on a high when i'm playing well or on a major low when i sound like shit. nothing consistent, EVER.

so what. i'm finding it harder and harder to care about going to class, making good grades. even as i'm writing this tho, it doesn't look right. i DO want to do well in my classes. i just don't know. i want to be at home. i want to be in control. i feel out of control. that's what it is. the truth is i have no idea how i'm going to feel day to day, minute to minute, it can all change at the drop of a hat. i can be totally and utterly resolved about something, and be so sure of myself, and then it can completely fall apart. i fall apart.

i'm making a list of things that make me happy. it's a pretty long list. and isn't that a just sweet idea, all these cute little things like catching fireflies and girl scout cookies and feather beds and autumn leaves, etc, etc. it occurs to me, tho, that this list serves as a reminder. i don't need a list of the things that make me sad.

  posted by meg @ 11:00 PM

 
post-nod blog.

actually the night started with the jewish composer's concert, which i totally would have blown off in favor of nod prep time with the girls, except that i somehow ended up as ed's replacement date. so yeah, mid conversation, he's like, i think i remember you from last year, do you know joyce li? and i'm like, of course. pause. ding ding ding! this is ED. joyce's ed. the ed who she was totally hung up on and who was a complete asshole to her. so this is me, wondering how out of ALL the guys at rice i manage to have a crush on one of like three that are totally off limits. damn damn damn.

anyhoo. made it to nod by like 11, joyce met me downstairs and was sooo adorable in her cop getup. ran into jb pretty early on. got him into the party w/paul's ticket and we danced for a while, then went upstairs and sat and talked. sigh. i'm supposed to call him so we can go get coffee and talk about all this shit more. i hope it happens.

so yeah. the rest of the night was ok. i never really got drunk, just tipsy happy. i wish i coulda seen more of joyce, but aisha got upset and they both went home kinda early. and all my stuff was locked in aisha's room, so i ended up sleeping in the five man. it was fun tho, to be around the wiess boys in their element.

and now, reli paper and hours of practice. i can't believe don juan is this weekend, i'm sooo not ready. but daddy's coming, yay!!!! and jb said he would too. :)

  posted by meg @ 6:59 PM

 
so much to do, totally shouldn't be blogging. but whatever, yesterday was the first don juan rehearsal and i was oh so worried about it, hours of preperation, learned the notes, listened to the cd, studied the score, sought out the concert master and oboeist and practiced with both of them, etc.

so the big day comes, first rehearsal. right. so there are just these moments when i can stop and be like, oh yeah, that's why i do this, that's why i make all these sacrifices and don't go to parties and never see my (non-musi) friends. these moments blow me away. like sure, the first run through was pretty sketchy, i didn't really know what was going on despite my massive prep. but then we went through it and it began to make sense. and when we got to my first solo section larry asked for just me and glock to play, and i wan't even scared really, i knew i was prepared, i just played. and the whole orchestra was like, ahhh. :) priceless. it's this stuff that makes counting endless bars of rest and ripping out glisses that no one hears ok, it's such an amazing priviledge, such a rush, to be a part of an orchestra, especially this one, and playing this kind of music. i absolutely love it, no question. and i love that, these far too infrequent moments of absolute certaintly that this is what i want to do. above all else, this makes me happy.

now if i can just get through my aural skills midterm tomorrow....

  posted by meg @ 1:29 PM