nuiko was helping me change the felts on my harp, and i was sorta rambling on about boys, and telling her how joyce and i were trying to come up with guys at rice that we could classify as men, in that they were intelligent, attractive, charismatic, and strong. we came up with two. i guess i was bashing guys in general, cause she was like, man you're so jaded. and she was kinda kidding, but it's really true, i do have this incredibly negative perception of boys. and all these girls talking about getting married amaze me, like i really can't even conceive of that ever happening. i can't tell how i'm gonna feel about someone a week after i meet them, forget the rest of my life. it's craziness.

anyhoo. i'm sleepy. i'm gonna go read more Milton Steinburg.

  posted by meg @ 2:53 AM

 
so it turned out to be a good night.

almost didn't go to hso, but i got all pissed at the idea of missing a good concert just because no one would go with me. right. so i head into downtown houston without any real idea of where i'm going, somehow find both parking and jones hall, buy my ticket for 11 bucks, make my why down to my seat, which is right in front of catherine and ms. page.

the concert was good. I love watching the harps, i just want it to be me up there. they played on this Poem of Ecstacy. then was the tchaikovsky violin concerto and the soloist sucked ass, but i LOVE that piece so whatever. and then rite of spring, which i've never heard live, and they did it well i thought. and catherine came out and sat with me, and we talked a bit and i love her and nuiko. so it's all good.

so THEN just as i was leaving hso joyce calls me, and she was all upset about shannon and other shit, so i go pick her up, and we end up at my house with pizza, wine, and cigarettes, just talking and laughing, and it was so great, i absolutely love her. and i don't know that i necessarily can give the best advice, but it's ok, just hanging out together makes us both feel better i think. it's nice. and we're goin out to hobbit cafe tomorrow for dinner, which is supposedly the best vegetarian food in town.

and now i'm off to watch a sappy chick flick on my new tv, cuz i don't have class tomorrow and i'm sleeping in. peace out.

  posted by meg @ 2:09 AM

 
what is the matter with me? i feel ridiculous. this is crazy, my life now, i just don't care about anything anymore. nothing seems worth my time, or important, so i just seem to float to and fro, go to class, sort of pay attention, go to lunch, sort of interact with my friends, this normal everyday whatever blah, but it's not right, I'M not right. i'm awful. i'm a mess. I come home and cry. i'm unhappy. example: i went to lunch today, stopped at the table before i got food to say hi to joyce, charlie told me that someone had taken down the young dems flyer, and i was like, wtf, and james was like, i hate democrats, and usually i would argue and get all worked up, etc., but i just looked at him, and around the table, and walked away. and didn't even come back, i just got food and left, i just can't deal. walking away from there i was thinking, i just can't do that bullshit right now, and that's how i feel a LOT. i'm such a mess. i'm exhausted right now, and getting sick, but still up, i stay up every night, so much later than i need to, and i'm sooo tired in the morning. i skate by with homework and practice, but the only thing i'm really interested in right now is young dems. and hillel friday, that'll be cool.

i was thinking, remembering, how i didn't say goodbye to maman because i was at interlochen studying my harp and that was more important, i couldn't get away. that's not fair. same with jenny. i get home and i cry because whenever i do anything i think, she's still in that box. she has been, this entire time, and she will be, and as much as i can't make it sink in, i still have this image of her in my head, her face. or i'll remember something we did together, or said, and it seems like she can't really be gone because i still have these memories, and she should be alive.

and what, an old friend dies and suddenly everything in my life has to change, i'm unhappy with everything, i reevaluate everything. that's bullshit. it feels like bullshit. i feel ridiculous, i have no reason to be taking this to such extremes, and i hate the feeling that i'm using this as an excuse for my behavior, when it's really not the cause. or else i'm just hamming it up to get attention, oh look at poor little suffering megan, she's going through a rough time right now. bullshit.

and i'd say somebody please fix me, in reference to counseling tomorrow, FINALLY. but i really don't want to be helped. i don't deserve to be helped. i should suffer through this.

  posted by meg @ 3:11 AM

 
alright, i don't know about that last blog. in a lot of ways things are perfect for me, and i do basically have my shit together. i just want it all to make me happy, and it doesn't anymore, and it's frustrating to go do things that i loved last year and not enjoy them anymore, or to realize that a lot of things that i thought were so important are really not important at all. and especially to see other people acting the way i used to, and be disgusted.

harp makes me happy. and helping the young democrats. i'm trying to set up recycling here, and reading shaloam alechem. i love martial arts, and going to the gym, and i start yoga soon. and thank GOD for joyce li. i went out with her and shannon last night and i was fairly unhappy drunk, which is so awful, but they're so sweet and joyce is going through similar shit. she's one of the few people i can just be with, and not have to pretend to be happy. which always cheers me up.

here's what i don't like. saying things i don't mean. i feel very distant from judith right now, like half the time i'm just humoring her, playing the part of the Megan that i was at the end of last year. unfortunately, the other half of the time i genuinely enjoy her company, and it switches back and forth quite without warning, which sucks, probably more for her than for me. let's just add this to the evidence that i'm schitzo, saying one thing and then being like, why did i say that? that's not how i feel.

meanwhile, my throat is sore, i think i'm getting sick. psychosomatic much?

  posted by meg @ 12:38 PM

 
i know why i like it here. because it's a distraction. my life is one big distraction, or rather series of distractions, that take my attention away from the things that scare me, that i don't understand. and i can convince myself that this day-to-day bullshit is Very Important, and get all worked up about it all, as it any of it makes one bit of difference. when really i could take a year off, leave here, not pursue my One True Passion, be an environmental lawyer and be perfectly content, no great tragedy, no great loss. i could end up with any one of a dozen guys just by chance, with whom i happen to strike up a conversation, or even just exchange a smile. and chances are i'd be as content (or discontent) with one or the next. i should have died in a car wreck a million times, and never been able to feel the chill of the wind on my arm, and look up at the stars in the sky at night, and waste time not doing what i should be, whatever the hell that is.

pub night, i was so happy to see all the wiessman. i pretend that i'm important to other people, i was so happy that people missed me, when really i could just as easily gone to oberlin and never met any of them, and they'd be fine. and why, incidentally, should we turn to other people to make us feel important and needed anyway, when they're just people, too, all equally dispensible.

i was so worried that i wouldn't be able to be happy here, but really i'm falling back into it too easily, too eager to push aside these as yet unresolved issues. and tomorrow i'll happily return to my daily distractions. the day after that i start counseling.


  posted by meg @ 4:08 AM

 
i love it here.

just had rosh hashana dinner at jude's house. it's amazing to see how similar she is to her parents, to see aspects of her personality in both of them, and realize where she gets it all from. i guess it's the same with me, and i just don't notice. but anyway, i'm all about ushering in the new year with apples and honey.

right, so last night, went to pub with joyce, which makes us two for two. i almost didn't go b/c of work, but i'm sooo glad i did. i made it to new wiess FINALLY, and the five man, and everyone was so wonderful and nice and happy to see me, and i felt so loved! :) seriously, tho, it's nice to know people miss me when i'm gone. and so good to see jordan and chaz, talked to manuel, which was nice, and the wiess girls, megan, jen, aisha. and joyce and i, seriously, just like last year. the dynamic duo, reunited.

i chatted with shawn a little today, walking from shepherd. i guess i'll just always be mildly crushin on him, i need to just accept it. but really i just think he's such a nice guy, and i can at least talk to him in a fairly coherent manner now, so that's progress. anyway, i'm moving on to this other shawn, which seems more plausible. always with the boys. oh GOD and dave, jesus, is being so damn sweet and i'm trying SO HARD to not take it seriously but a girl can only take so much. meanwhile, i really want to talk to james, which is of course a bad idea. we'll just have to wait for further development, i guess. in the meantime, i'm so looking forward to a weekend of finishing all my hw and practicing and reading in my pappazan chair (yay!) and SLEEP. peace out.

  posted by meg @ 1:16 AM