ok so i think i'm manic depressive. which is an improvement, i guess, since before i was just depressed. when i realized that its the pill making me feel so not like myself i was so relieved and happy. but then, i dunno, even knowing that doesn't *really* make it all better. its still there, now i'm making more of an effort to control it is all. sometimes it works and i'm back to normal. sort of. its more just going out with people having fun and finding myself having a good time makes me happy. but then something happens and i'll crash sooo hard. i dunno. the last couple of days have been ok. i had such a great time at pub on thursday, all my favorite people just hanging out and it was great, like normal, and friday i woke up smiling. and friday was fine too. but then there are moments when i'll fall back into this thing of wanting to avoid people, or getting seriously annoyed with alexis for no real reason, or just this sort of sick feeling, like now, i've actually been feeling queasy off and on all day. just two more days on this damn pill and then i'm off. i can take it.

  posted by meg @ 9:43 PM

 
"I am broken tonight. lost in my ignorance, my foolishness, my pride..."

that's from last night. it carried over, today i woke up wanting to cry, hardly even knowing why. but then, i dunno, things just work out. i was sitting outside the harp studio waiting for my lesson and paula was really late, so i had time to think about it all, and judith came by and we talked about it, and she said i should talk to paula. so i did. i told her how i wonder if i'm really dedicated, how hard it is for me to make it to shepherd sometimes, how distracted i get. even how i regret not going to oberlin, and about my environmental law class and how much that appeals to me. and how much i love the harp and love music, but how i'm also scared to give it up, its such a huge part of my life, and how i wonder i'm doing for the wrong reasons.

she said i'm young, of course its difficult to make such an important decision, but i'm thinking about it in the right way. its incredibly hard to pull away from the social life and practice, it doesn't mean i'm undedicated. but i owe it to myself to give this a shot, to put in the time and do it right, and then see if that's what i really want. she said that i should only choose music if i know, deep down, that nothing else could make me happy. and i don't have to make the decision now. she said maybe i'll be an environmental lawyer who plays harp to relax. or an orchestral harpists who devotes her free time to environmental causes. the key is to be happy.

  posted by meg @ 4:42 PM

 
so i went to hear the houston symphony yesterday. at first i totally didn't want to go, like catherine came in while i was practicing and told me about it and i was like, shit, just b/c i already have mass work to do, this semester is gonna kick my ASS. but anyway, so i decided to go since its *kinda* required, and i want to show paula how i'm all rededicated or whatever. but then i ran into judith and mentioned it and she got SO EXCITED cuz they were playing don juan, which i had never heard of. so we went together.

i won't say it was amazing. some other shepherd people were there, and they were saying how there wasn't very much energy, that these musicians get all jaded, like eventually it just gets old and the music loses the excitement. even so, i loved the pieces. not the don juan so much, but the Prokofiev piano concerto no.3 and rachmoninoff symphonic danses. even if it wasn't an amazing concert, being there reminded me of how much i want that. i want to play in an orchestra more than anything.

however. i've cried exactly twice today in the practice room, and every other day since i've been back. and meanwhile, went to my first environmental law class today and LOVED it. my teacher is a practicing environmental lawyer, he's actually out there making a difference, doing something of importance. if i wanted to change my major, do prelaw here, i could probably get into yale for law school, or where ever, and be a kick ass lawyer. and be happy? maybe.

my biggest fear is giving up music and always regretting it. i know that if i don't do it now, i never can. but i feel like its maybe too much of a sacrifice, like i'm going to have regrets no matter what i do. i'll always wonder what might have been, if i made the right choice. its just crazy. i love music, sometimes i'm convinced i love it more than anything and i could never be happy doing anything else, but then sometimes its just so frustrating, and i feel like i don't really belong at shepherd, i'm not really dedicated, i'm only fooling myself because i'm too afraid to give it up and try something else. i'm just confused.


  posted by meg @ 5:38 PM

 
i didn't want to leave home. i feel like i've abandoned my parents, like i still have an important role at home, i fall back into it so easily. but then when i leave there's something missing, the family isn't whole. its nice i guess, to have that feeling of being missed, but at the same time i feel awful leaving.

meanwhile, it's so nice to back. even if i have classes and practicing and mass homework, i feel like i have so much more freedom. i can do whatever i want.

that maybe isn't such a good thing. :)

  posted by meg @ 11:20 PM

 
its 9:00 at night the day before i go home, and what did i forget to do? laundry.

damn.

on another, possibly even less interesting note, i think i'm addicted to this whole blog thing. not mine so much. other people's. i've actually found several blogs that are fairly entertaining, a whole helluva lot moreso than mine i'm sure. but anyhoo....

off to the salt lick shortly to meet shay and eat meat. cobbler consumption eagerly anticipated.

  posted by meg @ 8:12 PM

 
today was my first day on the pill. its so funny to me that i'm taking birth control, like whoopty do, i can start having sex, which is seriously laughable, its sooo never gonna happen. that's actually kinda pathetic. moving on.

so it was goorgeous out today, and my hair was in braids, so i was in like this perfect little mood. went to the office 'round noon to do some glisses for shay. its nice to have a reason to be there, so i can see shay and all but not feel in the way. and then, i dunno, i came home, cooked with mom. made ratatouille (sp?) that was dayum good, started a hundred years of solitude. ha, i'm on my way. only *megan attempts with great difficulty to add in her head* 82 years more. god, how depressing that i'm almost 19 and still have not managed to find someone who can hold my interest for more than a week? other than, of course, the unobtainable. i'm beginning to think it might have something to do with me. banish the thought.

enough with the boy problems. or lack thereof. whatever. i'm *actually* in a good mood. these last few days at home have been really nice, and i somehow managed to procure a car (woo hoo!!), at least until spring break which kicks ASS. i've even been practicing a little, and its good stuff, this music i'm workin on.

and did i mention that i spent appox. two hours drafting, copying, and color-coordinating my schedule for next semester, which is admittedly incredibly embarrassing, but at the same time it makes me SO HAPPY to have it all there to see, all organized and shit, like maybe i have some prospect of order in my life this semester. and really, i need it, i'm gonna have mad work to do. i can do it tho, i'm ready. can't wait.

i'm in. sane.


  posted by meg @ 7:53 PM

 
my GOD i wanna eat a banana. or an apple. maybe some triscuts and cheese. this fucking wisdom tooth thing (or lack thereof now) sucks so hard core, i can't eat any real food and its driving me crazy. not to be DRAMATIC or anything. but for the love of God, i just want something i can bite in to. last night, after a whole day of soup and yogurt and tea, i finally gave in and *carefully* ate some chicken and green beans, both of which were relatively soft, right? uhh, no. my jaw was oh so sore, despite generous doses of advil and hydrocodone. so here i am, practically wasting away and feeling pretty stupid without those four teeth. thank god for oatmeal.

  posted by meg @ 11:44 PM

 
break's almost over. can't hardly believe it. it seemed like i had this huge expanse of time and all these plans, and now here i am like a week away from the start of classes and i feel like i haven't done jack shit. it's kinda ok, tho, i don't feel too bad. i've had some nice moments. like that day i spent with shay xmas shopping in the arbor. drove to waaay fuckin north austin so she could fix her car, but it was nice, sittin chillin and watching her in the world, in the car listening to blink, then prancing around from store to store, coffee at starbucks, a couple of yer average american consumers without a care in the world, just doin their part to spark up the economy. i saw gab finally. she and daddy and i went to mt. bonnell on this gorgeous day. i was thinkin about paul actually, and the first night he took me up there. i've actually been thinkin about him a lot lately, just the way he used to look at me. i don't think anyone's ever looked at me like that. or maybe he just had nice eyes. it's occurred to me that maybe all my boy problems are because of him, because i've never found anyone who looked at me quite like that, or that i could talk to on the phone for 4 hours after seeing him everyday at school. this is sheer insanity of course, just crazy. anyway i don't think he gets back from romania before i leave.

where was i? nice moments. i've had a lot, enough to make up for hellish xmas and a jaw that hurts like a mother fucker. wisdom teeth removal and all. ez has really come through this trip, he can be such a sweetie. even puts up with my crazy schitzo mood swings. i don't know what the deal is with that, my moodiness. like hormones i guess, or maybe its just my nature. am i this moody at school, tho? i don't think so. i think home just makes me crazy, everything's so disorganized. and i try to make it all orderly and neat, which ok to some extent, but i need to just step back and let it be sometimes. that's my problem. i'm too used to having things exactly my way in my own little perfect orderly world. ok, and this is toootallly just me rambling, so i'm gonna stop. 'night y'all

  posted by meg @ 11:01 PM