so i just watched You've Got Mail, and I'm lookin at Meg Ryan, who is so completely lovable. And I'm thinking about Shay and Elizabeth and Joyce, and how amazing they are, how trully unique and wonderful. And then there's me, so hopelessly flawed. and i'm thinking, how could anyone look at me and see me for what i am and love me? when i'm so unsure of myself, so constantly worried about how i appear to others, such a child really. i just don't know. what i want is in a constant state of flux, how i feel is, i fear, beyond all hope of reasonable interpretation. whatever, tho, i kinda just have to go with it and hope for the best.


  posted by meg @ 4:50 PM

 
wearing pjs. i should just get rid of this catorgory, i'm always in pjs

eating oh. my. god. i've been eating for like 5 hours straight in preparation for tomorrow. its like a fucking marathon, but with eating. seriously, i am in a momentous amount of pain right now, i can't even move.

on soundjam mom's got some slow jazzy business going on the radio in the kitchen

feeling rather like a heifer, but other than that, pretty good

thoughts so monday mom picked me up from school and i was so amazingly happy. to be going home, but also just with life, with school and harp. it just seems like i've got this sweet ass deal, where i get to take classes of at least moderate interest and pursue the one thing i love most, AND party my ass off every weekend. and i was telling mom how sweet it all is, and how silly i am for getting all worked up over whatever little complexities enter into my perfect little world.

so then i get home and everything goes CRAZY. like at first it was great, daddy actually came and got me out of bed to go to their room and tell about my Life at College. I know they're glad i'm still a virgin. didn't mention smoking. so everything's just peachy. tuesday i slept in and then ez and i saw harry potter, which sucked ASS, i fucking fell asleep like 3 times. and then i went to tai chi with shay, really cool. and THEN i called elizabeth, had a little confusion/tension with the parents but worked it out and met her and rachel at spider. just like old times, us freezing our asses off but refusing to move inside where we can't smoke, mass cups of coffee, we even hit up kirby lane, it was fuckin perfect. i swear, i love that girl more than anything. i can never tell how she's really doing. she seems fine with the sam break up but i gotta wonder, seems like she'll be feeling later if not now. whatever else is going on with either of us tho, i know that being together makes it better. she just makes me smile. its nice to have that, and know it'll always be there, even if we don't talk for months.

but anyhoo. next day, today, was the problem. a lot of it had to do with shay, which is probably why it bothered me so much, because when i fight with her i feel like shit on multiple levels. like there's nothing that could ever justify me pissing shay off so i'm just a bad person, but also the intense disapproval i feel from her, like she's judging me, and finding me unworthy, that's pretty damn uncomfortable; and the worst, what i felt today, that maybe i don't like her so much, which actually scares the shit out of me, 'cause i generally think of shay as the best person i know, and if i don't like her i must be really fucked up. that said, i don't really wanna get into the details of it. meanwhile, tho, everyone at the office apparently thinks i'm anorexic, shay told gab i'd lost 19 lbs as if i had committed some heinous crime, and dad won't shut up about me tweezing my goddamn eyebrows. *megan screams* so this me, trying desperately to recall that earlier feeling of complete and utter bliss and contentment with my oh so perfect life, and my amusement at my own melodramatic tendencies when things don't go exactly my way. we'll see if i make it.

peace, etc.



  posted by meg @ 11:12 PM

 
just a few pre-bed thoughts so here's what i think: everybody is in the same boat. whatever anyone's life looks like from the outside, we all have good days and bad days. when everything's going right and you're all happy that's great, but it never lasts, something always happens to bring you down. but the same goes for the bad days, things always get better. so its up to you how you take it. like you can't necessarily help the way you feel, but you just gotta look at things with some perspective, realize that at some point it's beyond your control and just go with it. cherish it even. it's life for god's sake, and thank god for the extremes, high or low, it keeps things interesting.

i always feel like i'm rambling. i guess this all came to mind 'cause i had a good morning of class, i really gotta make a point of doing that whole class thing more often. I was walking around rice campus just smiling to myself, fool that i am, thinking how silly i am for getting so worked up over the many complications of my life. i so have nothing to complain about. i love that feeling, those brief moments when you feel like you truly appreciate all that you have and you can just be grateful. *megan sighs contentedly and goes to sleep*

  posted by meg @ 12:44 AM

 
wearing pjs

eating just split a lightnfit yogurt with j

feeling sigh. maybe if i knew i'd feel better

thoughts boys suck. i can hear n. downstairs. i'm trying not to think about him. it's kinda hard when you can hear them all yelling on the second floor. its crazy, honestly, i don't know what's wrong with me. i swear i'm in love with any boy who doesn't want me, and the guys that do, perfectly nice, good, sweet guys who would treat me right, i throw them out without a second thought. not entirely true, tho. i've had more than second thoughts about j. not that it matters, i'm sure he's over me by now. it hurts tho, that he barely even talks to me anymore, like we can't even be friends because i in all my craziness decided i wasn't attracted to him, when it was classic me freaking out at the prospect of a serious relationship. i even told him that i do that, that no one can last longer than a week before i find some reason that it can't work. i swear, if n. suddenly started showing interest, within three days i'd be sick of him. *sigh* doesn't feel that way now. i really had a different kind of feeling about him. not the silly giddiness, but not like he was just another boy either. and i had actually spent some time with him just hanging out before anything happened. and plus he isn't the type to hook up with many girls, or at least i don't think so. but what do i know? i can't presume to know him. i just fooled myself into thinking that it meant something to him, that i was special. whatever. good for n., if he's really not interested in me all the better for him.

megan

  posted by meg @ 2:02 AM