dad is a pro at making you feel like you're not important. i called him, because he called me yesterday and I wasn't able to call him back. i texted him at least to let him know that I couldn't call him back, but that I would call tomorrow. because I didn't want to just blow him off, because he's my dad, even though I am mad at him for many reasons. so I called him tonight, mad at him, but was not going to mention the reasons for my anger. so i'm telling him about my medicaid experience. literally two minutes in (i just checked) he says, oh jesus. can i call you back? like, oh GOD what an annoyance, someone calling me, whoever it is, but they are DEFINITELY more important than you, so I will take THEIR call. and i say, well, sure. ok.

 
i'm ok.  i'm good even.  just some things on my mind today, such as 1)this morning, thinking how i have zero money, how even with free rent i am not making enough money to buy my own food and other necessities.  how that will not be changing anytime soon?  i need to pay for food, phone, small student loan payment, ymca membership.  plus misc. harp and other stuff.  babysitting is great for cash flow, but doesn't add up to very much because i don't work many hours.  so i start thinking, i need to work more.  but really gigs are the key for me as far as making some real dough.  so need to put more concerted effort into getting gigs.  ok, good to note (again), and reapply myself to that.  sending materials to contractors in hopes of weddings.

 
new year's eve, and i'm here alone in brooklyn.  had a good day- practiced, went to the gym, cooked some healthy vegetarian foods.  reading david foster wallace and the new new yorker.  all nice.  pretty ok with a chill evening.

 
ok, panic attack was monday, today is saturday, its the first day pretty much symptom-free. woke up yesterday at 7am after a night of vague nausea. other days more of the unreality, funky vision, numb-ish hands and tongue stuff. let me tell you, i am exhausted by it. that's a lot of days of fighting off those feelings, pushing through and practicing, trying to lead my normal day, go on my walk, etc. definitely eating too much. b/c panicky feelings are similar to getting shaky when i'm hungry, so i eat just in case that's the problem. its not, but now i feel fat in addition to feeling out of control. feeling like this crap will hit me at any moment. so i breathe and try to stay calm. but by now i just want to give up, go to sleep. or i sit up a the computer and do mindless stuff.

Labels: panic continues

 
ok, panic attack #3? ish. first big one, with it's several-day after effects. then a few days ago i had a short but distinct attack, as follows: Tyler was in town visiting us. we love him! he's our fave from t-wood. so we went out to meet up with Matt and Alyssa, who just moved to brooklyn also. we got coffee. i got a single shot americano, with milk. i had *just* eaten lunch before the coffee, which was an omelet with green onions and tomato, and toast, and tea. so we got coffee, then went to a cute little fish and chips restaurant where the boys ate, we hung out and talked and had a lovely time. we left around 4:30, and as soon as we got in the car I realized I was hungry. I was shaky, which happens after coffee on an empty stomach, but it wasn't! i had an apple with me so i ate that right away, but the shaky feeling felt like panic, and i started feeling panicky. mainly dizzy/weird vision and a little nausea. and fear at the panic. shawn could tell and we hurried home and i ate a banana and then some cereal and calmed down. not a bad one. but frustrating since it happened right after a lovely, relaxing afternoon with good friends!

Labels: panic

 
ok, let's remember this unfortunate episode.